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Tuesday, 30 May 2017

RELATIONSHIPS | How to deal with 'ex' baggage

At just three years shy of 30, I like to think I have most of my shit together when it comes to relationships.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not perfect - I still go batshit crazy when I'm PMSing - but there are some things I’ve learned from my early twenties.

Unfortunately, one of them things isn't how to deal with the baggage that comes along with a new relationship, or, most notably, 'ex girlfriend' baggage.

Not all relationships are plain sailing. I've had my fair share of complicated relationships in the past, but up until recently, I never had the trouble of an ex girlfriend who just wouldn't let go - at least not to this extent.

I don't think many people do, nor do many people go into a relationship expecting to deal with that type of baggage or even knowing how to minimize it. Still, I learned that it can happen and I also learned how to deal with it, so hopefully, if you're ever in a similar situation, this might help you.

Formidable Joy | Formidable Joy Blog | Relationships | Dating | Advice | Love | Baggage

DON'T BE AFRAID TO DROP THE 'COOL GIRL' FACADE
Similarly, don't downplay your own feelings either. If something is really bothering you, voice your concern. I know it sucks to be *that* girl who doesn't like who their boyfriend talks to or gets a say in who he should have in his life - but being uncomfortable with an overbearing ex doesn't make you that girl at all. Drop the cool girl facade: you can't always be happy and easygoing and if you don't tell him/your other half that it bothers you, it's only going to niggle away at you and make things worse. Don't downplay it either. An ex messaging and trying to move in on your man is not okay, even if he rejects her or ignores her messages! Plus, what's better in a new relationship than getting to the point where you can let your guard down a little and show your vulnerable side? It's tough, but it's a necessary step to take to really feel comfortable around each other.

TRY AND GET TO THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM
Unfortunately, some ex's just can't let go, and often that's all there is to it. There are always going to be people in this world who don’t have standards, who set their sights on something and try their hardest to get it - without caring about who they hurt on the way. But, sometimes, there's a reason for this type of thing. Is your other half accidentally sending off the wrong vibes whilst trying to stay friends with an ex? Are they not quite as over the ex as they claim to be? Try and get to the bottom of the problem, as it's always super easy to paint an ex as someone who can't move on (and often, this is true), but sometimes they're getting mixed signals or might even be entirely innocent with your other half leading them on (this has happened to me before, and it's not unusual for guys to pair 'psycho ex girlfriends' against 'current girlfriends' when in reality they just want to have their cake and eat it too - unfortunately it's a fail safe way to have an excuse for their actions should any issues arise).

BLOCK THEM FROM YOUR LIFE
I'd never condone anyone to try and choose who can and cannot be in their other halves life, but if it's really bothering you, it can't hurt to ask them to do the honours. This may be an unpopular opinion but at the end of the day, and ex is an ex for a reason. They might still have them on Facebook because they want to be friends or maybe they haven't deleted their number because they don't want things to be awkward if they bump into each other on a night out, but none of that is as important as how it's affecting you. Any boyfriend would be more than happy to delete an ex (if they're acting out of order) from their life to reassure you. And let's face it, they probably have a lot of friends anyway. Why would they need another in the form of an ex?

Formidable Joy | Formidable Joy Blog | Relationships | Dating | Advice | Love | Baggage

Likewise, block them yourselves, even if they've never made contact with you directly. It'll stop them watching what you're both up to and it'll mean you don't have to put up with vague-but-obviously-aimed-at-you Facebook statuses. My favourite was that I should learn the difference between being loved and being a rebound, even though my boyfriend had been single since before Christmas and had dated other girls between breaking up with his ex and meeting me. You just don't need that in your life, especially if the ex is prone to playing games = don't let stuff like that play on your mind and make the situation worse.

TRUST IN YOUR OTHER HALF
Trust is super important in a relationship, but it's really only in times like these that you realize how important it is and how vital it is. Some ex's will go as far as trying to get into your head; whether that's claiming you can't make your other half happy, insisting he's not actually over his ex or even creating lies that he may have cheated on you. Even if it's just one person's word against the other's, it's really important to put your trust in your other half; no matter what.

TALK TO THEM
This would also be a good way to get to the bottom of things, but generally, men are really crap with this type of thing. In their mind, they're with you, not them, so that should be that. In your/a girls mind, you know that forthcoming behaviour from an ex isn't right, the Facebook statuses are throwing shade and generally, until you know that they know what they're doing isn't right/they've been told to back off, it's going to worry you. You don't have to be a b*tch about it, but if things get really bad, there's nothing wrong with just asking why they're still chasing after your other half and if there is a particular reason, like him not making it obvious enough that he's moved on or her still believing there's a chance etc. 

DON'T FEEL ASHAMED
Finally, don't feel ashamed that it's got to you; most of the time, they're doing what they're doing for the simple fact of getting to you so that the issues will arise in your relationship and you'll break up and let them win. But just because it bothers you and plays on your mind, it doesn't mean that your relationship isn't strong or secure. I had my boyfriend's ex messaging me things like 'he's only with you to fill the void I left' and 'I will always love him and put up with the fact that he's with you because I understand him and he knows that', which, of course, hurt and kind of tapped into my insecure side that every girl has. But when I thought about it further, I made the choice to not listen and not let her win. Sometimes it's not when they harass your other half but more what they say to you; if they play on your insecurities, it's very easy to cause arguments between you and cause a break up. If it gets to you, don't be ashamed, but just speak to your boyfriend or other half about it and let him reassure you it's not true.

I'd just like to add that despite what I've said above, it's always important to be sure that what you're fighting for is worth it. In my case, it was, because I genuinely see a future with my boyfriend, but sometimes, the drama can get too much. Your other half has to meet you halfway, but there's always the possibility of it not going away completely. If your boyfriend isn't taking the correct measures to remove the issue from his life, sometimes it's just not worth staying for the drama = there's only so much you can take.

In the wise words of a creepy porno director from the film The Girl Next Door, "Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze."

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13 comments:

  1. aww I love this post x
    www.lifeascaitlin.co.uk

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  2. Thankfully, I've never experienced anything like this in relationships but your advice is definitely very good for anyone who has experienced it lovely! Xx

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  3. Thankfully I've not had to deal with any baggage but I still found this really good! Great post 💖

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  4. Thankfully I haven't had to deal with this but it's important to stay strong xx

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  5. Great advice for anyone who has been through a bit of a tough relationship.

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  6. It's really important to find closure after a relationship ends. Beautifully written. xx

    Jadirah Sarmad | Jasmine Catches Butterflies ʚϊɞ

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  7. I had a feeling my boyfriends ex would come back into his life, she did when I was about 5 months pregnant! Thankfully, that ship had sailed for my boyfriend. He was polite to her but basically told her where to go, he told her he had a baby on the way and leave him alone and focus on her own life

    Tasha x

    http://itsatashathing.blogspot.co.uk/2017/06/summer-bloggers-beauty-brawl-17-day-1.html?m=1

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