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Monday, 29 June 2015

Every now and then, I find myself with a small list of things I want to talk about but don't exactly warrant a whole blog post of writing. So today I'm going to talk about some of those things and stuff I'm really loving lately or really excited about.

ENTERTAINMENT
I've just had a week off work so have certainly been catching up on all my favourite TV shows and the like. Having just treated myself to an Xbox One, I'm really loving Resident Evil Revelations and Tomb raider Definitive Edition lately. Insidious Chapter Three was really good last week, but I've also recently watched and absolutely loved Rush (a story about two competing F1 drivers, starring Chris Hemsworth) and If I Stay, which is based on a book I read last year. On Netflix, I'm currently binging on Orange Is The New Black, Parks & Recreation and Between. Phew.

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THE CRYSTAL MAZE
The Crystal Maze is back baby! In case you haven't already heard, Little Lion Entertainment decided to make everyone's dreams come true and set up a fun via Indiegogo to raise money so that they could re-create the set in the centre of London for an immersive experience. They raised their target goal of £500,000 in just one week! The experience won't be shown on TV but yes, the traditional crystal dome will be there as they are trying to make it as close to the show as possible and even Richard O'Brien is going to be involved! I always wanted to go on The Crystal Maze when I was younger so even though I just know I'm going to be hopeless at it, I've already bagged myself a ticket. Early bird tickets are now sold out (who's surprised), but you can pledge to their fund and grab yourself a ticket now for just £45 here. It's all due to be up and running by late 2015 (October time) and I am SO DAMN EXCITED. See you all there...WILL YOU START THE FANS PLEASE!

TWENTY ONE PILOTS
I tried so hard not to like these guys as I really didn't think they would be my kind of thing. I was wrong. With a mixture of upbeat tunes you can sing your heart out too and darker, thoughtful rap songs, these guys have it all. You've all no doubt already heard of these dudes but in case you haven't, or you're just really stubborn like me, swallow your pride and check them out now. You won't be disappointed.

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CROSS STITCH TATS
How freakin' cool is this new tattoo trend?! For someone who is a self confessed cross stitcher (that sounds kinda dirty spoken out loud...), I'm totally on this trend already and planning one for my next bit of ink. They just all look so quirky and cool and I bet they would look so feminine using pretty pastel colours.

GIGS
I've got a few awesome gigs coming up that I'm looking forward, especially as it's been a while since I've seen a band live and even longer since I've been to a local gig. Tomorrow I'm heading down to The Horn in St Albans to see some local bands play which should be fun as The Horn always has a really great atmosphere. Thursday I'm seeing Funeral For A Friend at Kiln Farm in Milton Keynes, and early in August the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus boys are returning to London as part of their mini UK Tour. Can't. Wait. Tickets are available for all of these gigs still now, so have a google and grab some if you fancy it. Small and intimate gigs with big amazing bands are always super fun..

These are just a few things I'm currently digging lately, a mixture of music, movies and, er, The Crystal Maze! Most of this has come about because I've had a week off work and have actually had time to indulge in some of my favourite things so hopefully now that I'm back at work I can try and keep it up.

What things are you really loving lately? Let me know with a comment!


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Saturday, 27 June 2015

The other night I finally got around to seeing Insidious chapter 3 (with a snuck in can of Kopparberg to help with my nerves) and NEVER AGAIN. Let's just say I couldn't sleep that night...

I've always loved the Insidious films, from their old school horror style (the loud violins and opening title is a nod to classic horror movies) and their lack of special affects to make something that is genuinely really spooky and disturbing. It's refreshing to see a horror movie go back to basics and I absolutely loved how well the sequel tied in with the first one, I thought it was very very smart.

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I had high hopes for number 3 but being that it's a prequel, I wasn't sure how good it would be since it was moving away from the story line we know and instead focusing on mainly new characters. However, I was pleasantly surprised. It still dealt with the same kind of basis that people can travel into the darkness or 'the further' and spirits can latch onto someone to stay there, but this film was much spookier and dealt with a whole other demon (the man who cannot breathe).

This film focuses around a girl called Quinn Brenner (played by Stefanie Scott), who gets in touch with Elise Rainer (Lin Shaye) because she wants to make contact with her recently deceased mother. Cue lots of emotion on my part, kind of wish I'd known this before going to see this film considering I've recently lost my mum too. I suppose in some ways this meant the film hit me in ways that it probably wouldn't in other people and I really, really felt a connection to Quinn and could understand what she was going through, feeling so lost and just wanting some sort of sign that her mum was still around. I didn't expect Insidious 3 to be emotional in that sense but it was, and I felt they captured what this girl was going through really well as opposed to just using this part of the story line as a platform to the rest of the story line.

We soon find out that Quinn has been trying to make contact with her mother for a while but instead of course makes contact with someone else. Spooky or what. Freaky stuff soon starts happening (which required me to hide behind my hands half the time) all whilst her Dad, played by Dermot Mulroney (DILF), tries to manage looking after his family alone now and trying to protect his daughter.

The story line is real interesting and genuinely seemed really realistic and believable. I loved that Lin Shaye's character returned for this film too (even though returned probably isn't the right word to use since it's actually a prequel) and thought she was pretty badass. New characters, Quinn and her dad, Sean, were quite cool too and their parts were played excellently. I liked how Quinn portrayed being a teenager, taking some typical traits like being a blogger and taking photos of her breakfast, but not constantly throwing tantrums like teenagers are often portrayed as in films. Dermot Mulroney played his part super well which is surprising because starring in a horror movie is a much different role to what he usually plays.

The only thing I felt the film fell short on was 'the further' which seemed a tad less scary this time around. I'm not sure why, it's just when characters were travelling through that, it didn't seem or even look as scary as it had in the previous films so most of the scares took place elsewhere.

This film offered a lot of scares and jumps and I think that's why I love the Insidious series. James Wan and Leigh Whannel (who actually stars in the film too), always manage to build up the suspense really well but also manage to get the audience jumping in places when they least expect it. I'm so glad they both returned to write and direct this film, although Leigh wrote and directed this one as opposed to James Wan directing, who instead just produced this one. They both work well together.

The film sets up the whole Insidious genre really well and we also see the beginning of how Elise finds and begins her paranormal project (for lack of a better word) with sidekicks Specks and Tucker, introduced in this first film.

But, if you're not a geek like me and don't care much about any of that, this film is still at it's very basis a genuinely really scary film with a few touching moments and even some funny parts too. I wouldn't recommend seeing it if you're prone to getting scared easily (unless you like that, like me) but other then that I'd say it's definitely worth going to see.

I know I said I'd NEVER SEE IT AGAIN because it was so damn scary (I ran from my best friends car to my front door and switched every light on when I got in) but it's just that good that I'd probably psyche myself up to watch it again, just never, ever alone..


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Thursday, 25 June 2015

I'm currently six episodes into my Netflix binge of Orange Is The New Black and it's got me thinking about some of my favourite TV shows that ended way too early, deserved more episodes or that I just really bloody miss. It's the worst thing in the world when a TV show gets cancelled because you end up feeling so lost and simply don't know what to do with your life. Who cares if there was nowhere else to go with the show?!

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The Fifth Kingdom was a firm favourite in my household when growing up. A grown up and more modern take on different fairy tales, this quirky show incorporated some of the classics such as Sleeping Beauty and Jack and the Giant Beanstalk to make one completely original story line that took place over ten episodes. I genuinely thought there was so much more that could be explored with this story and really, really miss this show. It's probably a bit dated now, but it's always been a childhood favourite of mine! I also totally had a bit of a crush on Wolf. #Sorrynotsorry.

Okay so Scrubs may have run for nine seasons but it was because it was SO BLOODY GOOD and I miss it SO BLOODY MUCH. This show took humour, romance and pretty much a bit of everything and added it to a kind of dark and slightly morbid theme which was doctors working in a hospital. Obviously this black comedy featured a lot of sad story lines, but they managed to tug at my heart strings really damn well. Every single episode had a message behind it and this show had some awesome soundtracks. Also, JD and Elliot are my ultimate OTP and always will be.

The Returned is a French horror/thriller series about people that come back from the dead. It's extremely intriguing and will keep you on your seat the whole time - each episode has turn after turn without actually answering any mysteries - which is why we need a new series ASAP. I NEED TO KNOW THE ANSWERS. I think a second season has been confirmed but c'mon guys, it's been like three years since the first season was broadcast, plz hurry up.

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I caught Threesome broadcast one late night on Comedy Central and fell in love with this show immediately. It's a comedy that followed three friends trying to raise a baby conceived one night when they had a threesome. The show was about Alice and Mitch who were a couple living with their gay best friend, Richie, who ended up getting Alice pregnant during their threesome. The three friends were the least likely people to become parents ever, and the show was absolutely hilarious. The proposal scene is comedy gold. I've been ever so gutted that they never continued this show because it was a real gem that unfortunately was never as popular as it should have been. I also had a total girl crush on Amy Huberman who played Alice - she's hilarious and could definitely give Lena Durham a run for her money...

Lost In Space is actually my Dad's contribution to this list, I've never even heard of it and have only seen the film with Joey from Friends and that awesome theme song but hey, apparently a lot of people want this show to come back he says and it has a cult following. Having a mooch on Wikipedia, it's quite an old show so I suppose half you readers probably weren't even born yet when it was broadcast but hey, this entry is for Dad.

These are just some shows I'd KILL to come back soon, even though The Returned may or may not actually be coming back but still. What I'd give for just one more fix of each of these shows, if even to know how all the characters ended up. It makes me sad to see other shows having such a long run that they don't deserve, whereas these gems will never grace our TV screens again *sob*

If there was one show you'd kill to see return, what would it be?! Let me know with a comment!

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Sunday, 21 June 2015

When I was a teenager - suffering through those emotional angst filled years and swearing off any music that wasn't rock music - I swore that when I was old enough, I'd never, ever go clubbing. Back in the day, I never really saw the point in getting drunk and dancing around to too loud music that I'd never enjoy.

That all changed when I was old enough of course and although now I prefer to just have general nights out with my friends rather then going 'clubbing', I can definitely understand the whole idea behind Regression Sessions - a new club night aiming to make clubbing more fun and less, well, just dancing. Although I love letting my hair down and dancing the night away (so cliche, sorry), most of my favourite memories of nights out with friends have been hilarious conversations outside in smoking areas or simply just having a laugh with the best company and getting up to the most random things.

So when I heard about a night that mixed both of these things - good music and bonkers things to do (couldn't really think of a better way to explain that!), I didn't waste anytime in booking tickets. With a promise of a night offering a bouncy castle, a ball pit room (yes, you read that right. AN ACTUAL BALL PIT ROOM. FOR ADULTS ON A CLUB NIGHT. I used to bloody love these as a child), photobooths, a space hopper room and more, myself and some friends headed down to London Friday night in search of an entirely random and fun night.

We were not disappointed. 

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Photobooth fun 
First of all, the music actually was really, really good. There were a mixture of rooms on offer from drum and bass to dance anthems and I had a lot of fun singing along to some of my favourite tunes, dancing on the tables and bouncing on space hoppers in one particular room. This room was so, so busy and sweaty...but in a good way.

The ball pit room was beyond fun and we also managed one quick squeeze into the photobooth. My only concern about the whole night was that me and my friends turned up tipsy and, considering none of us have the best sense of direction anyway, found it near impossible to find half the rooms. There was so much on offer that we actually couldn't even find the inflatable petting zoo or giant spin the bottle. SOB.

I would totally suggest Regression Sessions provide a map for their next event.

Being unable to pull hotties during giant spin the bottle games aside, we had a lot of fun. The atmosphere was upbeat and silly and amazing - we could let our hair down and dance, we could chill in the ball pit room (often just lying among them all, having a giggle) and make new friends outside. It was so fun and my type of night by far. I'll always have a childish streak in me so to be able to actually have some genuine silly fun on a night out was a welcome change for me.

The event itself sold out in due time and although it was really, really busy, there was no trouble and everyone seemed to all be in the same frame of mind - just wanting to have a laugh and a bit of fun. I would have liked it to be a little more exclusive as because it was so busy, we didn't have a chance to get on the bouncy castle or partake in some activities such as the glitter bar. I think it would be fun if they hosted this event on a smaller scale but it's success was well earned. I suppose with an event so quirky, we should have really expected it to be busy and next time will make sure to visit some of the more of the popular activities earlier on in the night before they get too busy.

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The ball pit was pretty fun too...!
I'm already really excited to attend the next club night and I'm glad I dragged myself and my willing friends into London for this. I wouldn't head into London for any other normal club night so this was well worth the journey. Only next time, we think we'll book ourselves into a Travelodge for the night so that we can stay until it's closing time of 6am!

If you want a night that includes dancing but also lots of silly fun, then this is for you. Even if clubbing isn't really your thing (even if it never was), perhaps this will change your mind.

Regression Session's next event will be in Birmingham on the 3rd of July, but they also have upcoming events in London including a Notting Hill Carnival Special and simply another club night like the one I attended on Friday. Tickets are on sale from just £5 depending on how early you get them.


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Wednesday, 17 June 2015

I am cursed blessed with having thick hair. Something my sister always tells me she's jealous of, I have thick healthy locks which apparently many girls would die for. Unfortunately for me, the thickness of my hair means it's almost impossible to style. Curls fall out within hours, any bed-head look attempt just makes me look like I've been dragged through a bush backwards and don't even get me started on fishtail plaits...

I'm also not the best at styling because I always fail majorly. Whilst my sister doesn't have thick hair, she does however have the ability to just push her hair to one side, shove in some pins and make a messy side-do look pretty bloody amazing. So. Jealous.

There is one product I'm really digging lately though that seems to have been made for ladies like me and that's Toni&Guy Sea Salt Texturing Spray. I picked up a mini bottle before heading on holiday to Tunisia earlier this year - it was one of those impulse buys in boots where I deemed a mini hair travel pack with the spray, shampoo and conditioner far too cute to not buy even though I didn't actually need it. But hey, I figured it would be nice to style my hair after being on the beach.

This product was really beneficial for me not only on holiday but many times since. It's so easy to use; you don't need to curl or do anything to your hair before hand, you simply spray your hair, scrunch it up or twist it or just run your fingers through it roughly and immediately it gives your hair volume or gives you a loose wavy look.

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Loose/wavy curls
It's perfect for me when I'm running late in the mornings and I'm bored with my hair just being straight. Occasionally I'll use my hair straighteners on a few random bits of hair to curl it, then loosen the curl just so some parts of the hair are a tad more wavy then the others but it's really not necessary.

Although this product certainly isn't a life changer, it's a perfect lightweight styling spray for lazy days, loose waves and thick hair.

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Monday, 15 June 2015

As I write this, (Sunday evening, that is/was) I've not long woken up from a well deserved nap which was proceeded by a (for a little, anyway) fully clothed hot shower where I scrubbed at my skin like a madwoman - and even now parts of my skin still have a green twinge to them. Unfortunately I'm not suffering from an uber cool incredible hulk comedown, although I do kinda feel like the incredible hulk after today.

Today I ran (okay walked and jogged a little!) my first ever 5k run! Or to be more specific, it was a colour obstacle rush which was a 5k run and obstacle course mixed whilst we continually got dry paint thrown over us.

And it was SO. DAMN. FUN.

If you've never heard of a colour festival or colour run before I don't know where you've been but the general gist of it is you run around and complete random obstacles whilst trying to get covered in as much colour as possible. I mean the aim isn't to get covered but that's the fun part. There are colour stations (including one pitch black box where you have to crawl/roll around on the paint covered floor) and people helping colour you up after each obstacle. At the last one, one worker dude saw his chance and took it, deciding to throw the dry paint right in my face as I got to the bottom of the giant slide (thanks dude, although it was hilarious).

When we first began the race, our t-shirt was white. By the end, let's just say it definitely was not.

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Messy messy people
So running a race and getting paint thrown over you doesn't sound fun but it really really is. Some of the obstacles are a little challenging whilst still being fun, as in everyone can do them but you do have to push yourself a little. I was super proud to say I completed every single one! Even if I did almost fall over the side of one of them and crawl into a wall in another...

The best part is the end where you participate in a mini colour festival. Upon completing the course, you get a medal and a paint pack and then run over to the party area where they play upbeat rave/clubbing tunes. The DJ guy then really gears you up and has you crouch down before the beat drops. He counts you in and as the beat does drop everyone just jumps up and releases their paint, throwing it high and raving and jumping about. It really is such a fun and ecstatic feeling and it looks beautiful too seeing all this coloured powder in the air momentarily! It's so colourful and fun.

Even though it rained for us, this kinda added to the challenge. I mean by the time we were finished we were freezing our bums off but whilst going round we were too hyped to even notice the cold. It have been a little nicer if we could have stayed and partied for a bit if the weather was nice but we were in dire need of a beer and hot food...

I found the event could have been arranged or organised a little better, though considering it was the first colour run for Milton Keynes they did do well. There were no injuries or trouble or anything like that that I'm aware of but the downside of the day was having to queue so long to just get onto the course. There were so many people there. I think this could have been avoided by having hourly running slots rather then ones every fifteen minutes.

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We made it!
However, saying that, I thought the staff were fab and everyone managed to get everyone else really pumped and hyped up for the event. The actual colour festival at the end was amazing and definitely something I will always remember. Major props to the DJ dude for helping with the build up for that.

If you're looking for something fun and different to do this summer or enjoy your fitness and participating in a bit of a challenge, then this is definitely for you. It's a lot of fun to take part in as a group and I'm super proud of my two friends, my brother and I for actually managing the whole 5k without skipping any obstacles and without stopping once. I mean that's not to say we ran the whole thing, but we ran a little bit so that's something! Also, a colour rush is just a tad more fun then a colour run as it breaks it up a bit and makes it more exiting.

The next colour obstacle rush is in London on the 28th June and you can sign up for it here.


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Saturday, 13 June 2015

Last Halloween, I decided to give myself a challenge to watch a bunch of crappy horror movies I had sitting around my room for no particular reason. Back in the days of being a student, I'd often spend afternoons mooching around the horror movie section of HMV or CEX, buying cheap b-list horror movies not because they were good but because they were cheap, gave me something to do and because I just love any horror movie. 

It got to a point where I didn't even mind watching crap movies because sometimes they were so bad they'd be funny. Some films I'd watch with my boyfriend at the time, making out during the really boring parts, others I'd watch tipsy with my friends in between gossiping sessions. Even the bad ones I kind of liked in a messed up way.

There were a ton I never got around to watching however, so I set myself a challenge to watch and review them, just for fun. Also, in case anyone was thinking of watching a crap horror movie just because they were bored and wanted to see if it was even worth two uninteresting hours of their life. Now some of you will never have to waste that time!

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It took me a while to watch them all because, well, I'm a single pringle so often ended up watching them before going to sleep as opposed to drunk with my friends or with hot boys (I know, I feel sorry for me too). But I did it, in the end. It only took me, like, six months. Eeek. That's bad, I'm sorry. That's what happens when you commit yourself to watching movies you know are going to be bad. It's really hard to find the motivation. 

You can see all the reviews here.

So how did the movies rank altogether? Well, Night Of The Living Dead, Boogeyman and Black Christmas all scored the most with 4.5 out of 5. This didn't surprise me, although in hindsight Night Of The Living Dead I found to be a little boring, but I think I chalked up the points a little because it is a classic overall. Black Christmas I've actually seen a few times before and would watch again. It's one of those movies that aren't up there with the most amazing horror movies, but still hold your attention throughout and you can't help but watch every few years or so, much like Scream! Boogeyman I'd most definitely watch again too.

I rated The Amityville Haunting as the worst and I still stand by that scoring. Though it wasn't boring, it was extremely cliche and corny with terrible acting. Saying that, these points made it pretty damn humorous and the award of the stupidest but funniest b-list horror movie would most certainly go to this one.

Films like Rubber, The Pact, Episode 50 etc are all films that would be personal preference with scores pretty much in the middle. I'd suggest watching them all at least once, but couldn't tell you how much or how little you'll actually enjoy it.

Boogeyman was probably the spookiest (The Pact being the second spookiest) with Black Christmas being the most gruesome. Rubber was the most thought provoking, Fear Dot Com was the most bonkers and made no sense and both Boogeyman and Episode 50 were the best for eye candy cause they both had kind of hot dudes in them. Hidden I remember the absolute least about (even though it was kinda bonkers too and did hold my attention throughout) and The Amityville Horror was the most disappointing (as I had real high hopes for this) and also the most hilarious.

Best to watch with friends - Black Christmas
Best to watch with your other half - Boogeyman
Best to watch with your family - Rubber (just so you can be all like, 'hey, I can find cool indie films to watch and pretend I understand them')

Anything else is best watched alone or with a hot guy so you can just make out when the boring stuff happens.

Here's the list in order of highest scoring to lowest!

Black Christmas - 4.5/5
Boogeyman - 4.5/5
Night Of The Living Dead - 4.5/5
Rubber - 3/5
The Pact - 3/5
Deadtime - 2.5/5
Episode 50 - 2.5/5
Hidden - 2.5/5
Fear Dot Com - 2/5
The Amityville Haunting - 1.5/5

So there you have it - the completed b-list horror movie challenge! Now, if you ever want to watch a cheap horror film, hopefully you'll know which ones are worth it and which ones not to bother with! Have you ever seen any of these movies? Let me know with a comment...


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P.S To read all the reviews in full, check out the Horror Movie Challenge tag for more posts!

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Tuesday, 9 June 2015

Recently I was lucky enough to head down to my local Lush store for their Lush Summer Beauty Event - an opportunity any blogger would be best pleased with as it's practically a necessity to love lush to be a blogger!

It's taken me a while to get this post up because one evening when I was shopping, my phone (with all the photos taken at the event and of the products) decided to leap out of my hand and smash on the floor of TK Maxx. TOTALLY NOT MY FAULT. Then when I went to get it fixed, I realized I'd lost my phone. It later turned up beneath a bag of cat litter in my best friends car and then turned out it couldn't be fixed at the place I wanted to fix it at anyway. FAIL.

The event, much like past ones, was basically to introduce us bloggers to some of Lush's biggest/best summer products - think awesome powder deodorant for holiday, minty toothy tabs for festivals and suntan lotion that protects you whilst helps you gain a nice healthy tan. Score. 

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We spent most of the evening mooching about, trying some of these products and finding out more. A lot of the products I thought would be perfect for my holiday to Mexico later this year, which is actually a holiday-come-travelling tour, meaning I have to pack light. Toothy tabs were my first thought because not only would they be light but they're also really easy to use - you simply crush a tab between your two front teeth, add a tiny bit of water and then wash away. Also, we all know the chances of having an actual toothpaste squeezy tube thing explode in your luggage, which is a chance I'd rather not take...

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The sunblock was products were also a pretty different and nifty idea where rather then getting suntan lotion in a bottle, instead you have it in a block. It's quite straightforward to use and lasts ages, as well as offering a wide range of factors. Again, this is perfect for holiday because it's easier to pack!

One of my favourite goodies to try out from the event was the Seanik shampoo bar, a particular product that was recommended to me during my mini solid/dry shampoo consultation. I talked about how my hair was thick but dull with very little volume and was recommended this product to help with that. I have to say, after getting over the initial weirdness of using a shampoo bar for the first time ever, this product was effective like a shampoo and did leave my hair feeling softer and looking a little more bouncy/with more volume etc.  

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As you can see, the bar creates a shampoo/foamy effect when wet, despite being a solid product!
I think when I do finally go on holiday/travelling, I'll definitely be purchasing a couple of these along with some toothy tabs! I think I'll also be looking into getting some of that magical suntan block that helps speed along the tanning process this summer - since I doubt we're going to get much sun naturally..!

Although Lush have always been known for their innovative products, I never even thought about the wide range of shampoo bars, suntan blocks and general summer holiday friendly things they'd have just for summer or perfect for travelling. I can imagine choosing to buy a lot of your hair and body products from Lush would make a big difference and not just in suitcase space!

I'll also be reviewing a few other freebies I managed to blag at the event soon so keep an eye out and definitely pop into your local Lush if you're heading on holiday anytime soon...

What do you think? Will you be treating yourself to any of these awesome products? Let me know with a comment!


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Sunday, 7 June 2015

I've been putting off writing this post for a long time now and I know it's going to sit in my drafts for even longer before I can publish it. It is a subject that is very, very personal to me and I am still now in two minds about whether or not I should - or even if I can - write this. But, the idea that someone somewhere might be going through the same thing (unfortunately, I know there are probably many, many people who are also feeling the way I am right now), makes me want to, yknow, reach out and hopefully help someone or at least let them know that they're not alone. Because I feel very, very alone right now and it's a very, very horrible feeling.

Around two months ago, I lost my wonderful and beautiful Mamaw to cancer and to say I am still numb about it now would be an entire understatement. I cannot even begin to explain the pure dread I felt when I first found out mum had cancer or the fear of losing her. I cannot comprehend the fact that she is gone because she is my whole entire world. A mother is someone so special, she is a best friend and a guide rolled into one - your mum brought you into this world and having that person so cruelly taken away from you is going to be one of the hardest things anyone could ever go through. A mum is just...she's a mum, y'know? I can't put it any better then that because most of us know exactly how very special our mums are to us.

I think, my moment of numbness came the moment I found out she did not have much more time left with us. I know it sounds stupid, but the only way I can compare it is as if I flicked off a humanity switch like in The Vampire Diaries! Only, I can still feel happiness and laugh, but I think deep down it's not true happiness. It's a very tainted and very fake version of it. It's the sadness that is mostly missing.

Inspire Magazine Online - UK Fashion, Beauty & Lifestyle blog | How It feels | Stage One - Denial
My beautiful mum xx
Finding out the inevitable was a complete shock, despite the fact that we all know how many lives cancer takes. She was willing to fight it until the very end, and we were all there with her. Despite the many setbacks since she was first diagnosed, I truly believed with all my being that she would survive it. I thought cancer would probably be what would take her in the end, but I always thought it would be years and years from now when perhaps she would have gone into remission and it would perhaps have come back at a later date. I really believed I had so much more time with my beautiful mum and it makes me so, so sad to know she was taken away from us far too soon.

She was so special. She was so lovely and beautiful and thoughtful. She was kind and caring and she never, ever had a bad word to say about anyone. That's not to say she didn't like her gossip! But she really was one of a kind. She was the staple of our family and if anyone was ever to deserve cancer, there is no way it was her. She deserved to live a long and happy life and I find it so hard to know that I can no longer plan to do what I always wanted for her - save up some money and just treat her and dad. I wanted to become rich and buy them a house by the sea. I wanted to take mum on spa weekends and treat her for once.

That time will now never come.

I am supposed to believe that this moment of numbness is me grieving, but I can't believe that because I am no way as sad as I should be. I mean, I am sad, off course I am. But nothing feels real right now and I am still waiting for this all to hit me. It feels like she is just on holiday and there are points where I miss having her around, but in a way of 'Oh I haven't seen Mum in a few days', not in a way off 'She's gone and I won't see her anymore'. I cannot cry and I cannot muster up the emotion the way I should. And I know why. I've known since the moment I found out she had cancer. It's because I really do not believe I can handle the fact that she is gone. I know the immense pain I'm going to feel when I finally let it in and I do not want to feel like that. I don't know if I'm going to be able to get through it.

How can my beautiful mum not be here anymore? 

I suppose the point of this post is to say if you're feeling numb like me, you're not alone. It doesn't mean you don't care. Apparently it's just one of the signs of grief. It is basic science - it is simply a defense mechanism to dealing with the pain.

We are always told there are five stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. And although I have been mighty angry lately, there's no denying the fact that I am slap bang stuck in the stage of denial. How can I move on from that stage when I know what's coming? When I know that depression is a stage that will hit me hard and that acceptance is a stage I cannot accept accepting.

It's an odd one, grief, and I suppose there is no quick fix.

My advice would be...to not force it. It might feel wrong going about your everyday life like nothing has changed, but it's what they would have wanted. They would have wanted you to be normal and happy. And I suppose this probably isn't the nicest advice to hear, but enjoy being numb while you can. Because you don't know when it's going to hit or how hard it's going to hit and if you're like me, you're going to feel like there simply won't be a normal anymore. Perhaps you'll break down and cry. Perhaps you won't be able to function anymore. Try and enjoy, if you can, the fact that right now you can get up and go to work; that you can still enjoy times with friends and family.

Who knows if we'll be able to do that ever again in the near future.


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Tuesday, 2 June 2015

Recently, I finally got ink. My first ever tattoo. This comment is startling to read because of two reasons. First of all, I've always admired tattoos and wanted one of my own, so I simply can't believe that I waited until 25 years of age to get one. Secondly, because I was SO DAMN PETRIFIED beforehand that I can't even believe I went through with it.

This might seem a bit over dramatic, but there isn't really much you can say to comfort someone when getting their first tattoo because the fear really is in the unknown. I was told countless times that it wouldn't hurt that much, that the pain would be like tiny scratches, that it would be over before I know it. 

This did not help.

But now only after getting my first tattoo do I realize how right these people were..but of course beforehand when I was so nervous, I couldn't think rationally like that. The fear came from not knowing what to expect and not knowing what the pain would be like since everyone's pain threshold is different of course.

My thought process on the day was roughly along the lines of this..

- MY FIRST EVER TATTOO. BRING IT ON.
- Oh no, I'm getting scared now.
- Oh sh*t, what if I faint? What if it's horribly painful? What if I bleed to death?
- Okay, deep breaths, deep breaths. Everyone gets tattoos. It can't be that bad.
- He's just asked me if I'm ready. DO I LOOK BLOODY READY?! No, I'm definitely not ready.
- Okay, I'm ready.
- He's starting!
- Hey. that doesn't even look like a needle..
- Okay, here we go...
- ....
- ....
- Huh?!
- Um, is that it?!

And so on. I mean I'm not going to lie. SOME bits were a little painful but really not in a way I couldn't handle.

Inspire Magazine Online - UK Fashion, Beauty & Lifestyle blog - Lifestyle | Getting a first tattoo; Inspire Magazine; Inspire Magazine Online; Tattoo; First tattoo; Tattoo Advice; First Tattoo Advice
I think I look terribly bored in this photo!
So if anyone is planning to get their first tattoo, my advice to you would be this -

- Yes, no matter what people say, you're still going to be nervous as hell. But, I have a really low pain threshold and trust me when I say, it didn't hurt all that much at all. No, you don't know what to expect, but I guarantee you when you do feel the tattooist start, you'll be surprised at how little the pain is.
- Make sure you eat beforehand and have something sugary to drink too. It's important to keep your sugar levels up because it's amazing how faint you can feel just by being nervous. Go figure.
- Remember it will without a doubt be worth it in the end. Your tattoo is going to look so, so pretty. And what no one told me is how damn proud you'll be of yourself for going through with it all. 
- You might even like the pain or the adrenaline rush in a weird way!
- Pick your tattoo wisely and do research about your tattoo artist - yada yada yada. You probably know all this anyway.
- I'm not the type of person to insist every single tattoo simply must mean something deep to you but for your first, it'll help. I actually had a different 'first tattoo' in mind but never had the guts to get it done. When my brother, my sister and I decided on a matching tattoo in memory of my mum, I knew 100% that I wasn't going to back out. This really, really helped with the nerves because I knew it would be worth it even more then any other tattoo. If there's a tattoo you have in mind for someone special or something you want matching with family members, this would be perfect for your first.
- Once you're 100% sure about what you want, get booked in ASAP. In fact, do it really last minute if you can to avoid minimal worry. Just do it!
- On aftercare - it's not that bad either. As long as you're aware of your tattoo (it might seem a little sore or sensitive at first so just try not to knock it), there should be no pain at all. It won't itch too much either as long as you keep it moisturized and look after it well.

It might seem silly writing a post about getting your first tattoo that people have written thousands of times before, but to be honest, when I was nervous I didn't want to read a post about aftercare or words reminding me to think my tattoo through. I'd already done that. I just wanted to read something that made me feel a little less scared and a little more confident.

I hope this post might have helped do that for some of you.

Now, I'm off to research ideas for my next tat already...

What do you think? Have you always been too scared to have a tattoo or did you breeze through your first one? Let me know with a comment!

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