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Sunday, 7 June 2015

HOW IT FEELS | STAGE ONE - DENIAL

I've been putting off writing this post for a long time now and I know it's going to sit in my drafts for even longer before I can publish it. It is a subject that is very, very personal to me and I am still now in two minds about whether or not I should - or even if I can - write this. But, the idea that someone somewhere might be going through the same thing (unfortunately, I know there are probably many, many people who are also feeling the way I am right now), makes me want to, yknow, reach out and hopefully help someone or at least let them know that they're not alone. Because I feel very, very alone right now and it's a very, very horrible feeling.

Around two months ago, I lost my wonderful and beautiful Mamaw to cancer and to say I am still numb about it now would be an entire understatement. I cannot even begin to explain the pure dread I felt when I first found out mum had cancer or the fear of losing her. I cannot comprehend the fact that she is gone because she is my whole entire world. A mother is someone so special, she is a best friend and a guide rolled into one - your mum brought you into this world and having that person so cruelly taken away from you is going to be one of the hardest things anyone could ever go through. A mum is just...she's a mum, y'know? I can't put it any better then that because most of us know exactly how very special our mums are to us.

I think, my moment of numbness came the moment I found out she did not have much more time left with us. I know it sounds stupid, but the only way I can compare it is as if I flicked off a humanity switch like in The Vampire Diaries! Only, I can still feel happiness and laugh, but I think deep down it's not true happiness. It's a very tainted and very fake version of it. It's the sadness that is mostly missing.

Inspire Magazine Online - UK Fashion, Beauty & Lifestyle blog | How It feels | Stage One - Denial
My beautiful mum xx
Finding out the inevitable was a complete shock, despite the fact that we all know how many lives cancer takes. She was willing to fight it until the very end, and we were all there with her. Despite the many setbacks since she was first diagnosed, I truly believed with all my being that she would survive it. I thought cancer would probably be what would take her in the end, but I always thought it would be years and years from now when perhaps she would have gone into remission and it would perhaps have come back at a later date. I really believed I had so much more time with my beautiful mum and it makes me so, so sad to know she was taken away from us far too soon.

She was so special. She was so lovely and beautiful and thoughtful. She was kind and caring and she never, ever had a bad word to say about anyone. That's not to say she didn't like her gossip! But she really was one of a kind. She was the staple of our family and if anyone was ever to deserve cancer, there is no way it was her. She deserved to live a long and happy life and I find it so hard to know that I can no longer plan to do what I always wanted for her - save up some money and just treat her and dad. I wanted to become rich and buy them a house by the sea. I wanted to take mum on spa weekends and treat her for once.

That time will now never come.

I am supposed to believe that this moment of numbness is me grieving, but I can't believe that because I am no way as sad as I should be. I mean, I am sad, off course I am. But nothing feels real right now and I am still waiting for this all to hit me. It feels like she is just on holiday and there are points where I miss having her around, but in a way of 'Oh I haven't seen Mum in a few days', not in a way off 'She's gone and I won't see her anymore'. I cannot cry and I cannot muster up the emotion the way I should. And I know why. I've known since the moment I found out she had cancer. It's because I really do not believe I can handle the fact that she is gone. I know the immense pain I'm going to feel when I finally let it in and I do not want to feel like that. I don't know if I'm going to be able to get through it.

How can my beautiful mum not be here anymore? 

I suppose the point of this post is to say if you're feeling numb like me, you're not alone. It doesn't mean you don't care. Apparently it's just one of the signs of grief. It is basic science - it is simply a defense mechanism to dealing with the pain.

We are always told there are five stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. And although I have been mighty angry lately, there's no denying the fact that I am slap bang stuck in the stage of denial. How can I move on from that stage when I know what's coming? When I know that depression is a stage that will hit me hard and that acceptance is a stage I cannot accept accepting.

It's an odd one, grief, and I suppose there is no quick fix.

My advice would be...to not force it. It might feel wrong going about your everyday life like nothing has changed, but it's what they would have wanted. They would have wanted you to be normal and happy. And I suppose this probably isn't the nicest advice to hear, but enjoy being numb while you can. Because you don't know when it's going to hit or how hard it's going to hit and if you're like me, you're going to feel like there simply won't be a normal anymore. Perhaps you'll break down and cry. Perhaps you won't be able to function anymore. Try and enjoy, if you can, the fact that right now you can get up and go to work; that you can still enjoy times with friends and family.

Who knows if we'll be able to do that ever again in the near future.


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3 comments:

  1. Thanks for sharing this. My mum died of cancer December 28 2012 and for a long time I thought it would never get easier, and is doesn't, not really, but you draw strength from the memories. At first I couldn't talk about it without welling up but now I can, most of the time. I don't think people realise how hard it is to accept when someone like your mother dies at a young age. We expect them to be really old and have experienced everything. You will get through it. I'm on twitter @30SOAP if you want to chat x

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    1. I'm sorry to hear that. You're right though, people really don't realize how hard it is to accept unless they've gone through it themselves. There's so many factors that make it hard - seeing them suffer, the fact that they went young, the fact that they didn't deserve it etc but as harsh as it sounds I guess it's just life y'know? You always think you're the only one going through it but you're not. People go through a lot and I suppose there will always be someone who's going through something worse so we can at least appreciate what time we did have with them. Some people never even had that. Thank you so much for your kind words x

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