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Monday, 24 November 2014

RAMBLINGS // WHEN KARMA ISN'T THE B*TCH IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE...

At twenty-four years old, I like to believe I've learnt a lot about dating and relationships since I first really put myself 'out there' and properly started dating at seventeen. I don't consider myself an expert, and I most definitely will nine times out of ten still choose a douchebag guy despite knowing that he's a doucebag but overall I think I have my shit together when it comes to dating. 

I don't have any particular baggage and I've learned many important dating lessons over the years - compromise is key (as is communication), not everything is black and white etc...but, like a lot of people I guess, there is a part of me that hold back and an even bigger part of me that finds it hard to trust people.

Being that I'm not really looking for a serious relationship right now, none of this tends to bother me in the long run (although no doubt one day it will). However when I found myself unable to sleep a couple of nights ago and ended up aimlessly scrolling through old Facebook messages, I was faced with memories I'd rather forget. Memories of a tough time I'd gone through a few years ago, a time that I can easily forget when I don't think about it but, when I do, still gives me that pang of pain in my stomach.

And it really got me thinking that although it doesn't affect me directly anymore and although it isn't something that currently causes a huge issue in my life, it's still really bloody unfair. It's really unfair how a person can hurt you and go on to show no remorse and never quite fix things. It's not right that a person can outright cause so much emotional pain and three years down the line be happily settled down without a second thought to it all. I find it hard to accept that when I was the one hurt, I've been the one to suffer. Because of what happened, I now find it tough to trust people and tend to hold back when I meet someone. Because of the way I was hurt, I tend to avoid relationships like the plague now, in some ways finding myself absolutely terrified of any form of commitment.

Maybe it's pathetic and childlike to feel the way I do; to feel less angry about the actions but more angry about the aftermath and how unfair it is. Does it paint me in a bad light to think it's not right for the person to hurt someone else to end up happy, but the person getting hurt ends up still dealing with the consequences all these years on?

I know I'm not the only one who feels like this. I'm certainly not the only person to think that perhaps if I was more ruthless, if I cared less, I would not be the one affected right now. But then again, I suppose, in some ways it has made me care less and has stopped me forming relationships that could lead onto something pretty good. And maybe that's how it all starts, how the cycle begins..someone gets hurt, who goes on to hurt someone else and so on so fourth.

So if I was going to say anything to conclude this post I would say that you should always be aware of your actions and how it might be affecting someone else. What might just seem as something small and blase to you could influence someone else's values and outlooks on relationships, it can even halter or limit their chances of opening up to someone new, to a new love. 

And I suppose if you've been hurt before too, perhaps it's important to try and remember that you should never let someones actions define your own happiness. 

Karma might not have got them, but when you end up real happier than them in the end, you'll find it doesn't even matter.


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