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Monday, 6 October 2014

MONDAY RAMBLINGS // WHY IT'S SEEMINGLY EASIER TO JUST STAY SINGLE

A few weeks back, I talked about how scary it can be when boys know you have feelings for them. I spoke about how hard it is when they don't necessarily return those feelings and why it's much easier to just keep my mouth shut then deal with the possibility that a guy can go on to judge me for thinking he's somewhat good looking.

When I wrote that post, I'd almost forgotten that there can be one thing scarier then a boy not returning those feelings - and that thing is when they DO return them. Because at that point, a silly little crush suffered quietly from afar suddenly becomes so much more real. It's no longer a situation where you'd potentially like to bone said guy and gossip about him to your friends. At this point, it all gets a little scarier and a little more...possible. You start questioning their actions, the idea of actually being able to date them is fresh in your mind.

But it also leaves you feeling ever so vulnerable. Because if you like someone, that gives them that power over you, that gives them the opportunity to play with your feelings as they see fit. Now, I'm not talking about a full on head fuck where a guy plays you like a puppet, but feelings are complicated. Just because you like someone and they like you back, it doesn't automatically mean things are plain sailing from then on out. They might have issues; they might not be over an ex or they might be just as scared as you are. But they can take that hope and happiness away; just as easily as they gave it.

In mere months you can go from a happy carefree girl who not only accepts being single but enjoys it, to constantly checking your phone and wondering what exactly that text meant. If you don't hear from him, a running commentary takes place in your head, the kind that would scare even the most laid back of guys (is he busy? I probably put him off. Is there anything I did? What if I accidentally farted in my sleep and he's so disgusted that he's phasing me out? What if he's met someone else? What if he's having sex with her RIGHT NOW? What if I was such a bad date that I sent him running and screaming into the arms of someone else or back to his ex? GOD DAMMIT WHY DO I PUT MYSELF THROUGH THIS) And then, oh god, you know it's real when you can't stop listening to Ed Sheeran on repeat.

Inspire Magazine Online - UK Fashion, Beauty & Lifestyle blog | Monday Ramblings // Why it's seemingly easier to just stay single; Inspire Magazine; Inspire Magazine Online; dating; relationships
No one wants to be that girl. Can anyone even still BE that girl? It's all about texting nowadays rather then waiting for a guy to call...
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I mean, it's really, really bloody scary to know in some ways you've put your happiness in someone else's hands. You should never, ever focus your happiness on a boy and let him define your feelings, much like you should never get into a relationship just cause you're lonely. Love yourself before you find someone to love you; a boyfriend should be a benefit, not a necessary...yada yada yada. But we all know you can't help but feel a little gutted when he doesn't text, or ecstatic when he does.

So I know the fun parts of a relationship. The companionship. The sex. The always-having-someone-there-for-everything (going to see a new movie, a gig buddy, a night pigging out in front of the TV). But I also know the really scary parts too...although, they're kind of fun as well. It's sort of exhilarating & romantic in a really odd way to put yourself out there, to allow yourself to fall for someone without knowing if they'll be there to catch you at the bottom. It's both simultaneously one of the most magical and most petrifying feelings that come along with admitting to yourself, or him, or someone that you might just sort of be developing feelings for them a little lot.

And then, it all kind of clicks. Sure, you're still kind of a doubting mess when you don't hear from him for a couple of days...but deep down you know it's okay, because you know he's a good guy. If you've ever been with one of *those* guys - the 'players' - then you'll know what I mean when I talk about listening to your gut instinct. Don't get me wrong, when my gut instinct tells me that a guy is like that, I still go ahead and date him anyway...but I think that's how you can tell when you've met someone kind of right for you for the first time in a long time. Because your instinct doesn't tell you he's a douche. It tells you he's kind of alright. It tells you that maybe you should stop worrying so much (even though you will) because everything will work out naturally, the way it's supposed to.

And that's why even though it might seem easier to stay single, you realize the worry that comes along with NOT being single is worth it.

Or maybe you know deep down you shouldn't worry so much because you're not really that into him anyway and when it inevitably doesn't work out, surprisingly you care a lot less than you thought you would.

Either one of them.

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5 comments:

  1. I totally get what you mean about them seemingly having power over you and feelings being complicated. However, it was all a bit weird for me once with a guy I'd known for over a year and become quite good friends with. He is a sensitive guy and had gone through a couple of messy breakups before I knew him (including a girl he was engaged to who cheated, what a cow!). I think he was super cautious about getting involved with anyone else. It sort of crept up on me that I liked him as much as I did and I was pretty sure he liked me too but neither of us wanted to take the plunge. But one day he asked me on a date and a few years down the line, we're married (I think I would have said something had it gone on much longer). It can be hard but I think sometimes the chance is worth it. You could be missing out on someone you could be really happy with, you never know. Em x
    http://themusingsofem.blogspot.co.uk/

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    1. That's really sweet! I definitely think it's worth taking the chance but I think when you meet someone new that's what you think about. You think about if it'll work out and how scary it can be going after something new, and all too often you forget about (or simply don't want to think about) that ultimate moment when eventually it dawns on you that you really like someone and just like that they can make or break your heart. Everyone likes to feel like they have the power and they're in control, so to go from that to a 'typical girl' checking your phone all the time etc can be a big surprise! x

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  2. I can relate I've been through similar where I've been mind fucked (the guy I was dating kept blowing hot and cold). We'd go from spending hours on the phone, enjoying ourselves on dates to him not even replying to a text with no explanation. That obviously left me confused and it was at that point when we stopped talking I realised how much I liked him and us not talking anymore left me feeling miserable and sorry for myself. You're spot on when you said it's bloody scary when you've put your happiness in someone else's hands and that you should never focus your happiness on one boy. That is a definite no-no. I read a book by Susan Jeffers and she says our life is like a grid consisting of 9 squares representing: personal growth, relationship, career, family, spiritual growth, friends, contribution to the community and play time and we should spread our emotional investment across all nine squares. That way we protect ourselves from the pain of loss in any one of the squares. Time also heals and you accept what has happened and move on.

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    1. I can't even begin to tell you how many times it has happened to me, but you're completely right. I think it's healthy to let yourself go a little, but at the same time so many people are guilty of giving themselves over completely and just end up hurt by it all in the end. I think I'll read that book - thanks for the recommendation! x

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    2. That's OK. The book is a mini book with tips and advice and it is called The Little Book of Confidence. X

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