My name is Louise Joy and I'm a self confessed scaredy-cat when it comes to boys and feelings, especially when the two are involved. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who feels like this sometimes, but right now I really do feel like the only one who feels like this.
The weekend before last I was out with some friends, doing the 'need to pee' jig on the spot whilst waiting for a portaloo to be free (we were at a music festival) and I glanced around, saw a boy and nearly had a heart attack, for recently I've been interested in this boy and he may or may not know. You see, I didn't actually tell him directly (god no, that kind of honesty is reserved for drunken 3am confessions and five or so Sambuca shots in a row, unfortunately I am unable to find that 'balance' and I'll either ignore a guy completely or go overboard when drunk until he thinks I'm a psycho. Only once did I find a necessary balance, back on one cold Christmas Eve and that turned out to be the first, last and only time I ever ended up being hungover on Christmas day. Never again. But I did nail it pretty much the night before, yknow, in the spirit of Christmas and all...) but the mere idea of him maybe knowing nonetheless? That freaks me the F*CK out.
I don't know at what point we (or maybe just me) decided that it was never a good thing for someone to know you're interested in them, but it just isn't. All of a sudden my fun day out turned into a fun day out spent getting drunk and avoiding him, because god forbid I should actually have to act normal around him in the knowledge that he could know that I maybe find him a little bit attractive.
In my mind, once that seal is broken, once a guy knows, I assume that he then thinks I'm a complete and utter freak and spends his time laughing with his friends telling them that I'm a psycho who wants his babies. WHICH SIMPLY ISN'T TRUE. I don't know why I am so scared of a guy knowing that I find him attractive because, really, what's so bad and psycho about that? Just because I find someone attractive that doesn't even mean I want to do them or date them or any of that palavar. It just means they have a nice face (and usually in my case, some nice hair and/or skinny fit jeans too.) If someone found me attractive - even if I didn't feel the same way - I'd be bloody chuffed.
WHY IS IT SO SCARY? Why do I assume that if a guy knows and I bump into him, he's going to laugh in my face and be all like 'hahaha you like me, you suck!'. Really? Do boys really do that?? Do they talk to their friends, all nonchalantly cradling a glass of wine in their hand and smug look on their face saying things like 'Oh her? No, she's just obsessed with me. She wants the D and every letter after that, and I'm PRETTY sure she follows me around like a lost puppy...'? I don't know any boy that drinks wine, but this is the image that appears in my head and it makes me want to zip my mouth up and never even SMILE at a member of the opposite sex again in case this really does happen behind closed doors.
|Maybe I should take a leaf out of Shia LaBeouf's book and walk around with a paper bag on my face, only replaced with the words 'I DO NOT LIKE YOU ANYMORE. I WAS DRUNK/EMOTIONAL/JOKING (delete as appropriate)'|
I mean, in all honesty, I suppose the worst that could happen is that he'll probably avoid me for a bit because he doesn't feel the same way and doesn't want to give off the wrong impression...and the best case scenearo would be that he does feel the same way, in which case, I suppose it's kind of worth the risk. But it's just too darn bloody scary, so instead I ignore them unless they speak to me first and assume that they are mind readers and if they haven't made a move yet then they're clearly not interested. Hey, I didn't say my logic is sound...
And I know what you're all thinking. I must have manned up at some point when it comes to past relationships? Nope. Just nope. I met my first boyfriend in the men's toilet of a pub, a local haunt for all underage drinkers at the time, and if I remember rightly, we were introduced by a friend because neither of us had been kissed in 48 hours. And I met my last ex on a night out, bumped into him when waiting for the taxi and proudly (aka drunkenly) asked for his number. At NO point whatsoever in either of these relationships did I make any advance on them or admit to any feelings without being sure that they felt the same way, which is an ideal way to avoid any embarrassment.
But...god forbid...what if these guys are just as nervous or scared as us?!
So tell me, how the bloody well in hell does anyone ever break this cycle and find this magical balance that only awesome people seem to possess? Does this balance even EXIST? Or are said people liars and actually just as lost as us mere mortals, not willing to admit that half their game took place via Tinder after having a few too many?
Answers on a post card please. And don't suggest Sambuca, because I'm already well and truly aware that this does NOT work...
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